


A Secret Is Worth 100 Lives

by OctorokIdol



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Fluff, Garrett is a true bro, M/M, Pining, Simon comes out first but thats the only real difference, a tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 07:13:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14848142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctorokIdol/pseuds/OctorokIdol
Summary: In which Bram juggles his sexuality, ponders who Jacques is, must survive excruciating soccer practices, and all while his new world came crashing down when he fell in love with Simon Spier. He hopes to survive high school without developing any gray hairs.He’s lucky to have such great friends, and Waffle House.





	A Secret Is Worth 100 Lives

**Author's Note:**

> I had a burst of inspiration a few days ago and wrote this. I absolutely love Simon VS the Homo Sapiens Agenda, and the 2nd book / movie was incredible. I hope y'all enjoy!!

Bram collapsed against the metal bench that’s falling backwards, feeling his weight shift back and nearly falling. He struggles to catch his breath, crushing the plastic water bottle in front of him, inhaling every drop down. He felt the sweat from his body dripping, and his muscles aching every second. He wanted to complain, but his throat was on fire from how exhausted he was. Conditioning days were the worst part about soccer.

“Is it me, or was coach really, really pissed off?” Nick Eisner slouched over the same bench Bram sat at, and gasped for air. He was putting his belongings back into his bag. Everybody on the team was heading back to the locker rooms, but they were at least a 5-minute walk away. He cursed to himself, trying to stand up on his weakened legs. Nick trailed alongside him, still full of energy.

“Like, when have we ever ran laps on top of sprints?” Nick groaned. “Do you know what was up with her?”

“Maybe she got rejected or something.” Bram heard a voice behind him. Garrett quickly joined Bram’s side as well, his hair collapsing onto his face from sweat. “She seemed angrier than usual.”

“Nah, maybe she’s just having a mid-crisis and is panicking,” Nick huffed, kicking a rock sunken into the ground up in the air. “Maybe she wanted to be a lawyer all along?”

“Nick, she’s 24, not 45,” Bram interjected. Nick rolled his eyes. “So, what? I have 3 midlife crises a week.”

“Your dreams aren’t midlife crises. You’re just weird,” Garrett teased at him.

The boys all entered the locker room. The walls were painted green to match the school pride, and Garrett always mentioned how it looks like vomit oozing from the wall. Bram lets out a small laugh at the thought before, slamming his soccer bag into the back of his locker and quickly changing out of his practice uniform. Garrett and Nick continue to talk, and Bram glances at everyone around him.

 _One of these boys could be Jacques,_ he ponders aimlessly. He’s always wondering who Jacques is, the boy he’s been emailing since the beginning of the year. He’s been more attentive to conversations recently, breaking his quiet persona a bit to get hints from others. Anything, just anything, that can point him to the identity of Jacques. He’s gone through hundreds of possibilities of who it could be, or rather, _who he wants it to be._

The thoughts rush through his head, and he lets out a sigh, knowing Jacques is nobody he knows. The chances of Jacques being someone close to him? Ha, like that’s even possible.

He feels a tap on his shoulder, as Garrett shakes him a bit.

“Yo Greenfield, we’re going to Waffle House, you coming?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Bram nodded. “Is it just us?”

“Simon, Leah, and Abby are gonna meet us there,” Garrett added, walking past the two with his car keys. “Come on, Eisner. You’re so slow.”

“I’m getting there!” he called behind Bram and Garrett. Bram walked with Garrett, and he felt his heart beat a little faster.

_Simon’s coming._

_***_

To no surprise, Simon was there.

He looked cute. He always looked cute, but he looked different. Simon had a warm grin on his face, happily digging into his cinnamon waffles. He looked to be in unusual high spirits, and Bram felt Simon had a mood change. For the last few weeks, Simon looked a little miserable at times. Now, he looked pleasant and joyous. He wondered what was going on in his head.

His glasses were crooked, and his blonde hair was all over, messy and unkempt. Simon paid no attention to his surroundings, only digging into his food in front of him. He looked like he hadn’t seen food for days.

Still, Simon was beautiful. Bram could truly admit that Simon is the first boy he has ever been in love with, ever since they met their freshman year.

Bram tries hard to piece hints that Jacques is Simon. He knows that Jacques means Simon in French, but that still doesn’t mean it’s him necessarily—that felt too obvious, if anything. But the way the emails are written reminds him of how Simon is so particular with his vocabulary, and his speech patterns. He tries to piece them together to just see how similar him and Jacques are. The way he talks is just like the emails.

“They have us on doubles in rehearsals because our performance is coming up. I don’t think my voice can handle singing another showtune,” Abby leans back into the booth and flips her head up. Interrupting Bram’s thoughts. “I don’t think I’ll make it.”

“You’ll do great, Abby,” Nick chimed in, very quickly at that. “I’ll be rooting for you from the audience at all of your shows.”

“Aww, thanks Nick!” Abby responded back cheerfully. It was obvious the two of them had a thing for each other. Everyone except Nick and Abby could see this. Garrett stuck his tongue out at Nick, and Leah shifted uncomfortably. Bram leaned into his hand, looking out the window at the passing cars. He stirred his hash browns with his fork.

“Soccer’s been hard too. Coach has been making us run crazy amounts recently. I don’t think my legs can take it anymore,” Garrett complained as well, massaging part of his calves. “I’d kill to be in theatre right now and sing and dance.”

“It’s not just singing and dancing,” Simon chimed in, after inhaling his food, looking sternly towards Garrett. “You have to memorize a lot in theatre, such as your cue, choreography, and even helping backstage with lights and props.”. He saw Garrett slouch back a bit uncomfortably, and Simon must have realized everyone went silent listening to him, as his face flushed red and he became squeamish. “Uh, sorry. Just, we deal with this a lot in theatre.”.

“Nice job Garrett, you set off the theatre kids,” Leah poked at him and everyone erupted into laughter. Bram joined with them, though not without glancing back at Simon who was taken back by the joke, and still a little nervous. But he continued to talk and join in on conversations. The more Bram gazed at Simon, the more his heart twisted at the small possibility that Jacques is Simon.

The six eventually finished, and all paid for their meals and walked out. They all parted ways, and were about to head home. Abby had rushed to Simon’s car in a spontaneous burst to “call DJ privileges”, while Simon grunted and somewhat fast-walked behind her. Bram turned to Simon one last time before they left.

“Good luck at your rehearsals, Simon,” Bram called out to him. He stopped, and turned towards Bram. He flashed a wave, his face beaming.

“Thanks, Bram! Good luck with soccer, too!” his voice sprang back, and Simon turned away, sprinting after Abby as she turned on Simon’s car without him there. Bram felt the joy in his chest circulating, and he turned back towards Garrett, shuffling along with him.

He couldn’t keep his grin down for the rest of the night.

_***_

The next day, Bram received an email from Jacques that he read over, and over, and over, until his eyes hurt from the brightness of his computer.

 _“I had my own Coming Out thing last night. Not to my parents. But I told one of my best friends,”_ the email continued. He grinned hard, reading more and more, and he felt this unspoken pride in Jacques. He had finally come out to one of his friends, and they took it well. He continued to read and felt himself concentrate on one specific paragraph of the email.

 _“A part of me feels like I jumped over some kind of border, and now I’m on the other side realizing I can’t cross back,”_. Bram read over this, the message resonating with him almost too familiarly.

He understood that not everything stays the same. Though he wishes sometimes for time to stop, people will continue to grow, and figure their shit out. Jacques was moving one step ahead of him, and Bram knew eventually, somehow, he was going to as well.

_“I think it’s a good feeling, or at least an exciting feeling,”_

He recalled how Simon felt different from usual, and how everyone was starting to come together in their own way. Leah seemed more confident, Garrett was taking his studies more seriously. Even Abby and Nick are catching on to each other, and flirting back and forth. It’s a reality that Bram knows is for the best, and he realized how he was so comfortable with the current reality he was in, but he knows that he needs to take the next steps to change. This façade he puts on in front of his parents, his friends, and those around him, it’s almost painful.

“I’m going to come out,” Bram speaks softly, hoping his mom isn’t near his bedroom. The words ignite a spark in him, and he whispers them again: “I’m going to come out, to Garrett,” he thinks about Garrett, and honestly doesn’t know how he will react. But, it’s a start. Bram is ready.

Without hesitation, Bram presses on Garrett’s contact. He hears him pick up after the first ring. “What’s up, Greenfield?”

“Hey Garrett,” Bram pauses, but quickly continues. “Wanna play soccer in the park?”

_***_

However, coming out is really hard to do. Especially when you’ve never done it before.

The entire time they played soccer, he couldn’t find the right words, or the right time. They kicked the ball back and forth. They talked about everything they usually do—Leah, Nick and Abby, more Leah, Battlefield, school, and his little sister. But, Bram felt his voice get closed off even trying to mention the words to him. After a few rounds of 1 on 1, they had packed up and were driving back to Garrett’s house. But still, _he will do it._

Bram can feel the stiffness in the air circulating through his car. He feels his throat burning, knowing he’s about to potentially ruin one of his closest friendships he’s ever had. His calves are struggling to stay still, feeling no control over how much they’re shaking. He has to focus all of his energy and concentration onto driving—the heaviness on his chest is making driving way more difficult than it was.

Garrett is slouched against the passenger door, his eyes darting to objects they pass, going down the neighborhood roads they’ve come to known since moving. The street lights illuminated the roads in front of them as they drove, a thick darkness veiling the outside. He wonders if Garrett can read the situation, understanding the intensity that’s emitting from Bram right know. His fingers are coiled around the steering wheel, gripping so tight that he feels they’ll bruise from the texture of the wheel pressed against his skin.

As they draw closer to Garrett’s home, Bram quickly thinks of how to even go about this. Should he wait for Garrett to get out of the car? _See you tomorrow Garrett, I’m gay, bye._ He imagines that wouldn’t go smooth, and that he’d nervously speed away, potentially crashing into someone or something. His mind is running circles, before he recognizes the familiar setting in front of him, realizing he was already at Garrett’s house.

Maybe this isn’t the time. There’s plenty of other times he can come out, so it’s not like Bram has to do it now. The heavy feeling pressed against his chest continues to lay dormant, as he unlocks the passenger door for Garrett. He smiles toward Garrett, trying to hold the few seconds of eye contact he needs to.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Bram pardons, his voice coming off hoarse and almost croaky from built up tension. Garrett looks toward him, and inches toward the door when he suddenly stops, and turns back towards Bram. He looks serious—and Bram rarely sees Garrett looking anything but joyous.

“Hey Greenfield,” Garrett says to him. There’s a small pause between the two, Garrett looking quickly outside the car, and then back towards him. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“What? Why?” Bram questions, confused by the sudden interest. It wasn’t necessarily chilly, but it was rather late. And he knows they had an AP English exam to study for.

“Eh, I don’t know it’s just nice out,” Garrett shrugs. “Why not?”

Bram is caught off guard, struggling to understand anything He swallows his hesitation, pacing his breathing. The anxious feeling that shadowed him starts to draw back, and he nods slowly. He parks his car on the cul-de-sac, and steps out. The two walked together on the beaten sidewalk, occasionally looking around to take in the sights around. The houses all looked identical to one another, a cookie cutter neighborhood with no lights on. The street lights glared through the street, luminating the path before them.

Garrett remained silent. Garrett is never silent. He’s always the one with something to say, something to do. Garrett doesn’t glance towards Bram. His face is stiff, and he can’t tell what Garrett is even thinking. Bram feels uncomfortable, and the heaviness is pressing on his chest. The air dancing around them smells crisp from the falling leaves within the neighborhood as they continue to walk.

Eventually, the two arrive at a park located within the neighborhood. The park is strangely lush, for the middle of a suburban neighborhood. There were trees guarding the park, with scattered leaves collected in piles around the park. It’s surprisingly strange, how he’s driven Garrett many times through this neighborhood, and he’s never seen this park before. Garrett ushers him into the park, and Bram follows quietly. He tries not to step on any fresh plantations, feeling the wet grass pushed under the soles of his shoes. The two come across a lone oak bench, distant from the park.

They settle into the bench, looking out onto the empty swing set, and the winds blowing and rattling the chains almost ominously. He feels the stiffness of the atmosphere. Bram has no idea what to say, or what’s going on. He turns to Garrett, and he’s staring up at the sky. There are stars painted above them, with faint constellations hiding amongst the darkness. He can count the individual stars in the sky, bringing some happiness to him. He loves the stars, and Garrett probably knows this.

“Something’s bugging you today, I can tell,” Garrett breaks the silence. Bram turns toward him, his eyes gazing down towards him. “I know we don’t really talk about personal things Bram, but…” Garrett only uses his first name if he’s serious. He’s never seen Garrett like this before, it feels completely different. “If you want to tell me something, I’m all ears.”

“I’m fine, Garrett,” Bram lied, he felt like shooting himself in his foot. Why would he lie? Just say it. All he has to do is say those 2 words.

“Really, fine!”

Except, not those 2 words.

“Bram, you called me out to play soccer which you have never done before. Besides, you’ve been looking the opposite of fine today. Like, sad puppy x100 “fine”,” Garrett jeered. Bram let out a small laugh under his breath. Even in a serious situation, Garrett always found time to say something cheesy, but maybe a little funny. “Come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I, um, wanted to tell you something…” Bram trailed off. His heart sank into his stomach, and his breath was a little raspy. It was hard to say this, even to himself. “But I’m afraid of how you’ll react,”. He didn’t know how Garrett would respond, or even how anybody else would. Why was this so hard?

“What’s up? Did you get somebody pregnant?”

“What?! No, Garrett, that’s not it at all.”

“Okay, then is it about Leah? Because you know I-“

“Garrett, I’m gay!” Bram raised his voice, and quickly he cupped his mouth over his hand. Holy shit, he didn’t mean to raise his voice. He glanced toward the houses outside of the park, but luckily nobody turned on their lights or was coming outside. He felt relief, before realizing that he actually just told his best friend he was gay. Every ounce of relaxation he felt had escaped his body now.

Garrett laughed, and continued to laugh. He wrapped his hands around his stomach, and tried to talk through his fit. “Oh my god, okay, wow,” he paused, and started to take a deep breath. “Here I thought you had murdered someone.” Bram felt confused, not sure if Garrett had understood what he just said.

“Garrett, I’m gay,” it was still hard to say it a 2nd time. “What’s so funny about that?” Bram questioned.

“Dude, come here,” Garrett pulled Bram to his side, and wrapped his arms around Bram. He rubbed Bram’s shoulder, and lightly cupped his arm with his fingers. “You’re still you, Greenfield. So, what if you like guys? You’re still my best friend, and if anybody gives you crap, I’ll beat them up for you." Bram cracked a smile, letting himself sink into Garrett's hug before he let go. They still sat on the bench, but this time a little closer to each other.

“Out of curiosity, how did you know you were gay?” Garrett asked Bram. Bram hummed for a moment to himself, and decided to tell him everything.

He told him about the tumblr post, from Jacques, to his memories of Jon Snow. Everything opened like a floodgate, and Garrett just listened. No comments, no usual jokes, he just sat and nodded occasionally to Bram. He felt a wave of relief washing over him, and he realized now just how good it feels to talk about this out loud. Having nobody to talk to besides the emails made it difficult to bottle and deal with these emotions.

“Wow Greenfield, that’s some serious shit,” Garrett whistled into the air, and kept staring at the stars scattered across the sky. “Do you have any idea who it is?”

“Not exactly. I may have an educated guess…” _Please be Simon, please be Simon, please be Simon_. “But no, just that he’s someone who I’m in love with. In a way, he inspired me to come out to you.” Bram realized now that the weight was gone for the most part, and his breathing had returned to normal.

“You have my support, Greenfield. I’ll be the best damn wingman ever,” Garrett raised his fist to his heart, giving his solemn word. He knows that Garrett means 100% what he says to him, and at this moment, Bram realized just how good of a friend Garrett was. He initially didn’t like him, and thought he was just a stereotypical douchebag athlete. Their first meeting was a soccer camp in 9th grade, when Garrett flashed his toothy grin and came off just a little too weird to Bram’s liking.

But Garrett proved him wrong, and even in moments like tonight, Bram realizes that he’s still full of surprises. With friends like him, things will be alright, he thinks.

“Thank you for being a good friend, Garrett,” Bram gave him an affirming smile, and felt his body stop trembling from nervousness. This was a step, he told himself. “I’ve never told anyone this before. You’re the first person.” Even if it’s just one person, Bram felt warm, and happy. He too, stepped over the boundary and cannot go back.

“Well thank you then for telling me Bram. That means a lot to me and I’m really glad you’re my best friend.” Garrett gave him one more clap on his shoulder and a large, toothy grin before he stood up. “Now let’s go home so I can smoke you at Battlefield.”

“Maybe you’ll finally beat me after losing 17 times,” Bram teased, and Garrett playfully punched his arm, walking back down the sidewalk.

***

The next person he comes out to is his mom.

After a near 2 hour extremely embarrassing conversation, and his mom asking him 15 times if he’s sexually active, she gave him a huge enveloping hug, and promised she still loved him, and will always support him. Bram hugged back hard, and texted Garrett about the news. In just seconds, he sent back 5 flex emojis which translated to “Nice job, Greenfield!” in his own language.

He felt content. The weight on his chest was coming off gradually.

His dad also took it well, but they had another awkward conversation (his parents are really good at doing that), and he even learned that he will be an older brother soon. It’s strange, to have gone your whole life as an only child to then 17 years later, have to be an older brother. He knows he will adjust, and wants to be the coolest older brother ever.

So yeah, Bram believes things are going well. For him, at least.

Over the winter break, Simon is outed on creeksecrets. Garrett showed him the post, and he sees the original emails. It’s really Simon. He’s Jacques. Though, Bram had a strong idea it was him for a while now. Simon talks just like the way he writes.

Questions blaze through his mind: Who could have done this? Why would someone do this? How did they get access to the emails? But he swallows them, and feels horrible for what Simon has to go through. Bram realizes that Simon needed him more than anything. Jacques needed Blue, and he was surprisingly feeling confident and ready.

So, when the hallway is dead quiet, Bram slides a note into an Elliott Smith jersey with his phone number and a message, and stuffs it through the loophole of his locker. He feels like his chest is about to explode. He wonders when Simon will read the note.

***

No text or call from Simon. In fact, it’s almost like Simon is ignoring the note all together. They continue to send the occasion email, but Simon never mentions the note, or the jersey.

He also received less emails from Simon. Being brave, Blue told him he knew who he was.

Simon tries to guess who Blue is. He’s completely wrong.

Simon wanted it to be someone else. Simon was in love with someone else. Bram feels like he’s drowning. He sends one last email:

_“It looks like things are working out the way you wanted them to be. So, good for you”_

Bram chooses to escape. He hated himself, and decided to ignore the rest of Jacques emails.

***

It’s when he finally logs back into his Gmail a week after his last message, Bram sees a message from Jacques. Bram was trying his best to ignore Simon, especially when Simon outright thought he was in love with Leah. He wanted to ignore everything that happened the last few months, but his heart (and Garrett) wouldn’t let that happen.

So, when he receives an email, indicating that Simon is calling for him. He didn’t care what he looked like, or even who he was, he wanted to meet Blue. _Simon wants to meet him._ He stated he would be “at the badass carnival in the parking lot of Perimeter mall”, at 6:30 PM.

Bram looked at the email and realized, the winter carnival was tonight. It was already going on, and Simon was wearing the jersey that he put into his locker. Bram also noticed the time was 8:00 P.M. Oh fuck, it was 8:00 P.M.

His mom had taken his car out, as hers was in the shop. He panicked, knowing all the busses weren’t running anymore. So, he called Garrett, because he’s supposed to be the best damn wingman ever.

“Garrett, can you take me to the carnival? I need to meet someone, fast,” Bram urged, trying to put on his shoes and use a cell phone at the same time. Garrett must have realized who he was talking about, because quickly the other end lit up with a holler.

“I’m on my way!” and the line went silent after that.

***

Bram’s heart was beating faster and faster. The Tilt-a-Whirl was in front of him. He saw that Jacques, or rather, Simon, was waiting there. Garrett was right behind him, urging Bram to go.

“You got this, Greenfield. You guys are meant to be together,” Garrett cheered him on, and pushed him forward. “Go out there and score your man.”

Bram nervously laughed, and nodded. “Will do, captain,” he confirmed, and swallowed all the weight and walked towards the Tilt-a-Whirl. Garrett gave him one last call while Bram was exchanging his last ticket for the ride.

“Told you I’d be the best damn wingman!” Garett yelled from behind him. A few people at the carnival were turning towards Garrett, some were confused and whispering to themselves. He laughed, because of course Garrett would say something like that out loud.

Upon entering, he spotted, Simon, looking a little crushed and obviously nervous, his eyes slammed shut. Bram felt it too, but his legs trotted, despite the weight that felt like anchors coiled around his legs.

“Can I sit there?” Bram asks, his voice nearly cracking. Simon’s eyes shoot open, and he loosens the seat belt as Bram slides in. There’s a small moment they talk, complimenting his shirt, as Bram steps over yet another boundary he can’t cross back from.

Simon’s eyes widen immensely.

“It’s you,” he whispers, before the ride takes off at full speed.


End file.
